This week hasn't been horrible

My last post was a little heavy.

Even though it is raining, I'm feeling OK. This despite the fact that babies and pregnancy haunt me at ever freakin' corner I turn. I'm sure my friend has had her baby on Monday and is healthy, but other than wanting to make sure she herself is OK, I just can't bear the thought of talking about the baby. On top of that, there is a facebook friend that I blocked his staus updates because I just couldn't take the incessant baby talk in his staus feeds, but today I noticed it is a picture of him kissing his newborn. I just can't take it. If I hear about another pregnancy, I will flip my lid. There is an impending delivery of a coworker within the next couple of weeks and that depresses me to no end. It is like everyone in the world is having pregancies that are just fine...and then there is me with my footprints, ashes and stretchmarks as the only proof I was pregnant. My due date is coming up fast: 7/8/09. I should be done with the nursery but instead it sits there, empty and depressed, the only proof it was going to be for a baby is the rocker in the corner and this bottle of diaper rash ointment I just can't bring myself to put away.

This morning I caught the end of this show on Investigation Discovery (my husbands laughs because I love this station). It was about this Amish shooting that occured a few years ago; I do remember it. But this time I am in a different place as I watch it. They say the gunman left a suicide note that referenced that he couldn't get over the death of his daughter (among other things). When they showed his daughter's headstone, it said "Born and Died" on the same date...and my first thought was "that poor man, I know how hard it is to lose your child like that". I never remembered that detail when the shooting occured years ago but it is the only detail I remembered this time...that and the Amish people attended his funeral.

When you lose a baby, and especially when it is a stillborn, life is so hard. A few weeks ago, I went over my friend's for the first time since I lost Luke. She has two girls, one 10 and one 3. Well, apparently there was no 'talk' about what happened to me...the last time they saw me, I was visibly pregnant. And her 3 yr old gets this look in her eye and says "You have a baby in your belly?" and pats my belly...and I say "No, no baby in my belly anymore". I don't know what to say more than that...is it really my place to explain how horrible and cruel life can really be? But, God, she WOULD NOT drop it. "You have a baby in your belly", "You have a baby in your belly?" and patting my stomach. And I have to take it, I have to stay strong. You say to yourself: "It is a child, they say anything, you can't hold it against them". And I agree. But my friend admitted she hadn't said anything to them about it. How about that, I say to you. So think about it, put yourself in my shoes and say you wouldn't be upset? Try to hold it together and see how easy it is...and then have to go out for the evening after that, and suck it up...and listen to her talk to you about her pregnant sister.